My Sister Tells off a Gold Glove Boxer*

*FYI: I use that term in it's most literal sense. This is a man who boxed in the Gold Gloves 3 seperate times each time suffering humiliating first round defeats. None the less he boxed in the Gold Gloves so the title holds true.

Many of you who know me and all of you who do not know me are usually surprised to learn about my Sister. They are surprised that my parents, who were already up there in age when they conceived and later bore me to the world, had another child a whopping 5 years and change after my birth. They are also surprised when they see pictures of her because we look quite literally nothing alike. My sister is a small, pretty blonde young lady with blue/hazel eyes. I think she might weight 115 at most. They are finally surprised because almost none of them have met her. I think of my current group of friends in NYC, maybe 4 or 5 have ever met her. We lead dramatically different lives. Also, in a nice little bit of symbolic reflection we not only live on different mental and emotional plains, bu also literally on opposite coasts. However, there are many stories I have of her that will never grace this blog since they aren't entertaining and/or are extremely depressing. However here is one I will share. The day (or night to be more exact) that my 19 year old sister verbally smacked down the bouncer at BJ's who was 10 years her elder and at least double her weight.

Back in the day when BJ's was a bit less of a preppy bar where people ironically drink beer out of coozies and watch Duke games because they enjoy rooting for their fellow douchebags, and more of the Wild West, there was a particular doorman who we will call Larry. Larry was notorious amongst the patronage for his wild mood swings and tough demeanor. He once refused to say hi to me for a month because I walked in drunk off my ass at 3 am and forgot to shake his hand. He could have cared less about my intoxication or hour of arrival, but it was unforgivable that I failed to remember to give him his handshake. He even admits that I said hello to him. He just couldn't get over the handshake. He also once tried to have my friend Fox 86'd from the bar for saying it was funny that Larry was a NASCAR fan, which if you ever met the guy, you would admit is pretty damned funny. (Fox would later get 86'd from the bar but for a different reason which I am debating when to share.) At the time I was 23 and my sister was 18. Being that my sister never really went to college and I went to a big time athletics school she became a fan of my Alma Mater. If a game was gonna be on that we wanted to watch at the bar I would always clear it with the manager, bartender and the bouncer. A level of decorum seldom seen when it comes to sneak underage kids in to a bar.

One summer night my sister was in the city with her high-school sweetheart. I was at the bar, which I know is a shocking revelation. At this point I had been a regular to the degree where I got to stay and drink after the bar had shut down to the general public. Basically as they were tallying registers and counting tips, they were also sliding me beers. My phone rings and it's my sister. She and her beau were staying on my couch that night and were asking if I could meet them to let them in. I don't know where they had been that night. I don't really care and it has no baring on this story. I tell them to come and meet me in front of the bar and we would all walk home together. So come to ten minutes later and Larry grabs me by the collar of my track jacket and pulls me aside and starts yelling at me. This is an artists re-enactment of how this conversation went down.

Larry: We had a fucking deal man!

Me: I am pretty sure I have no idea what you are talking about.

L: If you wanted to get her in here you should have asked first off and secondly have her come during normal business hours

M: Oh shit, my sister is outside? Sweet! I was about to leave without her.

L: Don't play stupid, you knew what you were trying to do!

M: If you're refering to trying to go home I absolutely was.

L: Fuck you.

He then leads me out the door in a manner befitting someone who had just been caught across enemy lines. He then proceeds to interrogate my sis. Asking how dumb we thought he was, why we were trying to play him for a fool and so on and so forth. He then looks at her BF who is bewildered by whats transpiring before his eyes. He tells him to stop "Eye-fucking" him, or something equally ridiculous. He threatens that he may never let me in the bar again. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Now, many of the exact words of this little episode are general approximations of what was said. HOWEVER, the monologue I am about to present to you has been seared in my mind verbatim for the past 6 years. Every word of what you are about to read, I swear to you is true. Not only is it true but imagine a small thin blonde girl saying this to a large, musclebound, irrational African-American Fellow. Now imagine it being not screamed like most little drunk girls would do if being accosted by a large bar bouncer but being spoken with the relaxed calm of an intervention facilitator.

"Listen man, I see what's going on here. There's no need to take out your frustration on these guys. It's clear as day. You're simply upset because you've never had sex before. I get it, it sucks but listen to me and believe me when I say this. It's gonna happen. Now, I am not saying today, or tomorrow or even next week. But one day, hopefully in the fairly near future, it will happen. One of these days you're gonna find a perfectly lovely fat girl and she'll take your virginity. Trust me."

He fell completely silent and just stared with the rage of a billion suns. And we walked home and laughed about it for about 3 straight hours. I still laugh about it. Whenever we do talk it comes up at least once every 4 or 5 conversations.

I don't know what ever happened to Larry. A few weeks later he was no longer under they employ of the bar and nobody ever told me why, nor did I really care to find out. Also, one of these days I am going to figure out better ways to end these posts.